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You're a Vampire: That Sucks!
A Survival Guide
by "Count" Domenick Dicce
Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, $12.95, 150pp
Published: October 2015

Shhhh. I was NOT supposed to get a copy of this so if, you are reading this: try not to let any supernaturals know where you got the info contained herein!

Okay: here’s the skinny: this is a nicely illustrated short-and-sweet survival guide for those of the vampiric persuasion. Duuhh.

There’s a lot of info here. And some surprising myths are destroyed: They can cross running water, they have a reflection! They do not need to keep in contact with their “native” soil. (Think of all the mess!) They do not burst into flames—but they do turn to dust when finally killed (and sunlight, decapitation and stakes through the heart are the major forms of death. Actually: death by other vampires is a high possibility, as a well.)

This tells you how to survive eternity if you DO get turned.

And just so you know, fangirls and boys: vampires are not fond of teenaged- vampires---All that angst!! For eternity!! (Also, to set the record straight—vampires are fully functioning non-breeding creatures. But seriously NOT interested in a mortal lover. )

According to the guide—let’s get this clear---they are not fond of turning just anyone into a vampire in general because it’s a big change and Dracula knows they don’t want some sulky sourpuss wandering eternity whining about being undead. Vampires prefer that their existence remain the myth of Hollywood and literature and not a common street truth.

The guide gives you clues on how to live eternity pleasantly, how to set up your household and safe space for sleeping (coffins optional—but they do have their uses), how to train and use a human familiar—since in many cases they can do the practical things during the day when a vampire can’t. Even career choices for those recently turned. There is also a listing of the Supreme Vampire Laws and a few other rules. Vampire society is not some loose collection of eternally rabid monsters. Mostly.

Blood? Human is best of course, but almost all animals work in a pinch (but don’t think of turning Fido into an eternal familiar: it won’t work. However---vamps do have the power to call animals to them).

This is all I have time to say. Check this out. But discreetly!

P.S. Elves and Werewolves exist!!! ~~ Sue Martin (just a nom de plume. Really.)

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